An open letter to a troll..

Hi Luke,

Firstly, don’t you mean “the” USA ?

Anyway, I’m not often moved to write in response to something someone has sent out into the big wide world of the internet. It’s a wonderful thing, the internet, isn’t it Luke? You get to learn all sorts of new stuff out there don’t you Luke? I like the fact you can discover new music, don’t you Luke? I particularly like the fact that, say, someone in (the) USA can discover a great small band from Birmingham (That’s Birmingham in (the) UK Luke, not the original Birmingham in Alabama)….

Then send them an email like this…

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I’m interested to know what the thought process (if any) was behind your message was Luke?? I mean do you really have nothing better to do than send insults winging their way across the Atlantic to people you’ve never met?? You’re a bright chap, you got almost all the punctuation and spelling right, and yet rather than do something positive you took the time to send Gemma, Amie, Adam and Matt this heartwarming message.

I like Dakesis. Do you like Dakesis Luke? Let’s talk about our favourite Dakesis show. I liked the one they played in Birmingham (UK, not Alabama) where Wayne’s microphone stopped working and Gemma had to sing ALL of Trial By Fire. What the actual fuck, a “fat ugly chick” playing keyboards AND singing?? It’s not as if she’s a vocal coach or anything. I MEAN WHAT WAS SHE THINKING???

Can you play keyboards AND sing Luke , or play guitar, or bass?? I can’t but I didn’t realise (or, if you prefer, realize) that as skills in a band those are less important than how you look. I thought that sort of attitude went out some time in the 70s, but apparently not.

It’s not right, is it Luke. I mean shouldn’t the fat ugly chicks be in the kitchen ??

I’d also be interested to know what your definition of fully-talented is Luke??. I thought being a multi-instrumentalist and a qualified music teacher would qualify, what do you think Luke??

You’re right, of course. People should realise (or, if you prefer, realize) that the frontman IS the band, the entire band, shouldn’t they Luke?? The quicker people realise (or, if you prefer, realize) that then the happier everyone will be.

As you have your finger on the pulse of the Birmingham (UK, not Alabama) power metal scene (It only took you 6 weeks to send your email to Gemma) you’ll know that Wayne has a new band. I like Dakesis (the whole fatness and ugliness thing not withstanding, I usually ask the guy on the desk to turn out the lights, that helps) and I’m sure they’ll do fine. I like Wayne too, he’s a nice bloke and an incredibly talented musician and I’m sure he’ll do fine too.

As a bit of a power metal fan I’m really looking forward to what he has to offer, just hopefully no fat ugly chicks, eh Luke?

Horns up !!

Iain